...two friends will never be that lucky.

                They took my friend.  He is found by the police, arrested for crack whatever.  He is quite, sober and released the next morning.  I bring clothes for him when I pick him up at the jail.

                “just get in”

                He is different like people who have been raped are different to everyone but themselves.  He is in his head a little more, observant, some things are completely devoid of context for him, like how to get into my car.  He knows it’s a handle, knows how to open a door, get in, sit, buckle up, stay still till the car stops moving again and then get out..  he is just stuck somewhere in the beginning of the process and can’t un-stick.  I pop the door.  He won’t put the shirt or the shoes and socks on, holds them like a purse on his lap.

                The three burn holes behind his shoulder, the ruptured cornea, the blood in his shit and his piss, I put the puzzle together quickly.

                He maybe thinks he was sometimes but I run interference for him, he should never find out, no one should.  I layer a return to a life of drugs and violence into both of our lives to hide the tik’s, the fuzzy logic, the screaming, the psychosis.  Now he is just dangerous. 

                It happens twice more, and after the last time, he is bed ridden, blood won’t clot, can’t keep food down to heal, mind keeps resetting like a seizure, sending waves of peace to what internal shore?

                “drink it”

                “hooaa    thats good”

                I put the sippy cup and a cinder-block shelf by his mattress and leave for the day.  When I come back he is just gone.

                I have thought a lot about how and why and it goes nowhere.  It sucks when someone doesn’t want you to know something and they are powerful or clever enough to keep you from finding out.  I suppose I have changed too.  I don’t care if they get me, I know they won’t... 

A reality shorn

Observation:

People who visit my blog can also be divided into these two categories;
1.  those seeking the genius of painter Phil Hale, and who can blame them.
2.  the other fuckers, as in the ones who stumbled upon my blog by typing any of the four phrases;
     a.  ski mask
     b.  big bad porn nurse (my favorite)
     c.  mexico ghetto (second favorite)
     d.  tight ski mask (actualy, this is now my favorite)

Burgundofara is a ho bag.

I am so pissed at Burgundofara.  She turned down the new sun to fuck a sailor with a possession she could touch; a boat.  Whore.  Even though Severian gave her the hush-mouth like three times in an hour, even though he was aloof, even though he became a-sexual because of his “talents”, even though it was a future self that had loved Severian and she was just fresh out of tiki-tiki-tiki-tiki-tiki-ville or wherever the fuck and her ‘self’ from the future says, “Hey, I fell in love with this fucked up lookin guy with the limp and the dead eye and the missing face, so , you go fuck him too k?”, even though she is like, "Hey, I know in your reality you have lived on this gd ship for eternity, literally, but now that ‘I’m’ here I’m tellin ya, it’s not for me."  Even though she as much as told Severian before they took the tender down that she felt sorry for him, even though she told him it was her older self she felt sorry for, literally, I know it was more like, “Hey, so, see that person that shares a recently recognized and verbally acknowledged similarity with you, yeah, I feel sorry for them, I don’t really love them or anything, its more like pity..  Is there such a thing as a pity fuck?”  Even though he could have given a shit less about her, she was still a fucking whore.  What’s even more brilliant about Wolfe’s “Severian-vs-Burgundofara” is that even though Severian knows all that shit and she is still someone's puppy, an obligation thrust upon him, or more so a "painting" your lover gives you after she says, "Hey, work is more important to me than you, but here is my picture; jack off to it if you start missing me.”, he still wants to own her and gut the fucking captain.  Well let me tell you cunnies, I was there.  He fucking killed that guy dead as shit, then he tied Burgundofara to his “un-manned” body and pitched the captain into the fucking amazon.  “let her fucking follow him there.” We all nodded.  It’s what we’d have done.

BFOW excerpt; All of my ornaments...

All of my ornaments are in a box I keep anatomy books on I have never looked through.  I give them too much care now.  I wrap those cheap Technicolor jobbies in soft cloth and have those rabbit ear things that go in the ends that look light the insides of light bulbs, those things, kept in another smaller box.  I saved some tinsel.  I hated Christmas as a child.  I had to pretend the toys a poor parent buys their kid are made of gold and joy and love.  I get the ugliest tree I can find and I don’t let anyone over when I do Christmas and I sit there and cry until I am cutting on myself then I knock that shit off and put it all away again.  No shit.  When Anne gets involved I put my whole Christmas in one of those little boxes.  For three years I feel it waiting to have Christmas but I keep it in there instead.  Sometimes I say weird shit around Anne like I think I like Christmas.  I don’t get her anything the first two years and tell her its all about the experience.  I do shit for her and stuff like that.  Once I told her I wanted to bring the whole world back and give it to her but everything was pretty much fuckin stuck in place and so I brought her a foil wrapped piece of dime store chocolate that looked like the earth.  I get Games, a TV, Movies, Blow Job cards, Shirts, Watches, Pens, Gifts that don’t count because I needed them she says, gifts that count as birthday and Christmas but I get both anyway.  Our last Christmas, the fourth one, the one after we broke up I showed her my Christmas and we cried but I didn’t cut on my self that year, I made her leave though and boxed all that shit up again.

BFOW excerpt; Boots late...

Boot’s late and your friend, the guy friend, is such a pussy I will not let up.  Who are you gonna fuck I say and he’s all Geesh and I say Geesh guy and he looks like he is gonna cry and he is all, No I’m not, and I’m like Do it pussy, and pull back my fist and your yelling at me and his little cum bubble of a brain is all thinking he’s the guy that’s gonna come out on top cause he’s the good guy and he would never do that and I hate myself in you you little fucking faggot, you’re not me!  I’ll let you watch me fuck your girl I say but he won’t turn around now and she’s all like she doesn’t want to go with us.  Boot just texted me and said Fuck you and I say I am gonna go chill with Boot cause your all a bunch a crybabies and Wendys like Shut up and get in the car and I’m in the car and I say Make me honey and she says Ill make you and I say You better and then the girl friend gets back in and I am not sure why she got out and I say Dereos playin on 2nd street at like one and she’s all I know Zac and I say Yeah, you’re a whore, and she says Shut the fuck up and I say You fuck Zack and she does the fake smiley shock thing that all women do when you set that dunk up for em and I look at her date and I say, If you don’t get fucked tonight, it’s your own fault.

Zoey’s on the corner when we drive by and everyone’s all waving and saying hello like they fucking like her but they don’t she’s just someone they passed that they know, like hysteria or something and I won’t let Wendy turn around for Zoey cause That’s gay Wendy, you’re a real piece of ass and you don’t turn around for anyone that’s why and she’s all That’s mean and I just keep setting these two bitches up for the dunk and by the time we get to downtown they won’t look at all the guys they want to fuck and I am thinkin, now these two are really my bitches.

I keep talking about Janny’s ass.  Janny’s the girl that’s gonna walk away from the faggot in the back seat as soon as the fucking car door opens.  I tell her I can feel her ass through the seat.  She’s all Whatever and I am all Whatever rock that thing Ill fuck you right now and she’s all You’re a pig and I know she loves her ass cause it is important to know these things and she knows it and I knew it when I saw her walkin up, havn’t even seen it in my face and I know it.  I’m just fuckin with her baby she’s a cow, come on.  And Wendy is all You better be good and I am all Boring!

I don’t give a fuck what you want to drink.  Shut up.  Oh god he is gonna start shit again and the girls just get fucking wet when we fight.  Hey fuck face!  And he’s all what like a gangster and he’s all stepping up to me and that’s some bullshit cause I’m drunk now and I now it will end well and I don’t even answer I’m just on him and fuck swingin I put him right into a bunch of other people and there is so much fuckin yelling its great and I am all fuckin laughin and I got this fuckin guy by the jacket and he aint goin anywhere and there are fuckin chicks screamin and shits getting hard and I put a couple hits on his fuckin guts and then it’s like all chaos and the girls are the most important they will ever be with some drunk asshole like me and they take me out and I am all fucking pushed out of the bar by like all these people and they are like all that guys friends and their all like be cool and fuck that come here you fucking faggot and Wendy is all pulling me and so is the other girl and what’s her fucking name? and I’m in the back seat and I hit that fucking kid that’s with us and Wendy pulls him up front and Janny’s back there and I am all like sorry baby and she’s like Those fucking assholes and I am like who hit you and she’s like no one and I am like who the fuck touched you and I start to climb out of the car and everyone’s all screaming and pulling on me and I am like turn around ill fucking kill’em, I swear to fucking god Wendy turn around!

I don’t want to sober up but I do.  The fucking harbor house sucks and I stop at a table where there’s a hot girl and I am like Sup baby doll and some assholes all tough and he’s not and I’m like here’s my phone honey, put your number in it, and she’s all like I do what ever I want to him but I’m already being pulled away by the girls and over to the table and I kiss Wendy and she’s so fucking hot and like people want to leave but they don’t and there here for me and no bullshit they are and when I am telling her I love her the other girl brings the phone back and is all Here’s his phone and Wendy’s like thanks and sorry and she’s all its ok hell pay for it in the morning and they all laugh and I know she put her number in it and I am all like I don’t know she’s there and Wendy’s like Sit up and I am like Fuck this place all this shit is fattening and it is and like Wendy’s all I’m tired of driving and I’m lookin at this fuckin douche bag who thinks he is gonna stare me down for being a dick and I am like What sup and he’s all ignoring me now and Wendy’s like Don’t start any bullshit I swear to god! And Janny’s all We better go and I ignore them cuz they are beautiful and they are doing exactly what I want them to and I am like Sup you wanna tell me something guy? And Wendys like Fuck this and the girls pull me outa there and I am like Whatever pussy and I leave and he says something and I ignore it and I just made everyone’s day.

What the fuck is your name again and he is all terrified now and I am in back with Janny and I have her legs on mine and my hand on her leg by her pussy and she keeps moving it down her leg but just a few inches and I am all like I don’t know and I know she’s wet and I am like Are you gonna break my heart baby and she’s like Whatever and she’s all close to me and Wendy is like oh god, just hit him.  And she laughs and that faggots all up front and cryin and not really but he is and he’s all scared of me and I swat his head and am like What’s up puppy and Wendy’s like knock it the fuck off and tells him to lean forward and I’m like yeah lean forward bitch and then I am all mackin on Janny and she fucking wants it so bad she is starting to make me hard and Wendy pretends she doesn’t know or doesn’t care she probably doesn’t either of them and she won’t let me touch her tits but her stomach is tight and flat and that’s cool and like my hands on her stomach but my pinky is like deep in her pants and she’s just giving me her neck and I put her hand on my cock and she kind of pulls it away but doesn’t and Wendy’s like where the fuck are we going and I stop it with Janny like she was never in the car to begin with and I am like Where’s my fucking phone!  Where’s Boot? and Wendy’s asking the faggot if he wants her to drop him off and he’s all like Probably and I put my hand behind Jan’s back under her shirt and pants like its nothing and I am like Where’s my fucking phone up to Wendy and she’s like Chill out I got it and I am all give it and she’s like What do you want your just gonna break it and I’m like Give me my fucking phone and she calls Boot on hers and he’s fucked her too so their all like tight and stuff like she is with me and I turn back to Janny and she’s been looking at me and I kiss her good and deep but just once and I am like baby, I wanna fuck Janny and Wendy’s like whatever and I kiss her again and I whisper in her ear whatever.