Burgundofara is a ho bag.

I am so pissed at Burgundofara.  She turned down the new sun to fuck a sailor with a possession she could touch; a boat.  Whore.  Even though Severian gave her the hush-mouth like three times in an hour, even though he was aloof, even though he became a-sexual because of his “talents”, even though it was a future self that had loved Severian and she was just fresh out of tiki-tiki-tiki-tiki-tiki-ville or wherever the fuck and her ‘self’ from the future says, “Hey, I fell in love with this fucked up lookin guy with the limp and the dead eye and the missing face, so , you go fuck him too k?”, even though she is like, "Hey, I know in your reality you have lived on this gd ship for eternity, literally, but now that ‘I’m’ here I’m tellin ya, it’s not for me."  Even though she as much as told Severian before they took the tender down that she felt sorry for him, even though she told him it was her older self she felt sorry for, literally, I know it was more like, “Hey, so, see that person that shares a recently recognized and verbally acknowledged similarity with you, yeah, I feel sorry for them, I don’t really love them or anything, its more like pity..  Is there such a thing as a pity fuck?”  Even though he could have given a shit less about her, she was still a fucking whore.  What’s even more brilliant about Wolfe’s “Severian-vs-Burgundofara” is that even though Severian knows all that shit and she is still someone's puppy, an obligation thrust upon him, or more so a "painting" your lover gives you after she says, "Hey, work is more important to me than you, but here is my picture; jack off to it if you start missing me.”, he still wants to own her and gut the fucking captain.  Well let me tell you cunnies, I was there.  He fucking killed that guy dead as shit, then he tied Burgundofara to his “un-manned” body and pitched the captain into the fucking amazon.  “let her fucking follow him there.” We all nodded.  It’s what we’d have done.

BFOW excerpt; All of my ornaments...

All of my ornaments are in a box I keep anatomy books on I have never looked through.  I give them too much care now.  I wrap those cheap Technicolor jobbies in soft cloth and have those rabbit ear things that go in the ends that look light the insides of light bulbs, those things, kept in another smaller box.  I saved some tinsel.  I hated Christmas as a child.  I had to pretend the toys a poor parent buys their kid are made of gold and joy and love.  I get the ugliest tree I can find and I don’t let anyone over when I do Christmas and I sit there and cry until I am cutting on myself then I knock that shit off and put it all away again.  No shit.  When Anne gets involved I put my whole Christmas in one of those little boxes.  For three years I feel it waiting to have Christmas but I keep it in there instead.  Sometimes I say weird shit around Anne like I think I like Christmas.  I don’t get her anything the first two years and tell her its all about the experience.  I do shit for her and stuff like that.  Once I told her I wanted to bring the whole world back and give it to her but everything was pretty much fuckin stuck in place and so I brought her a foil wrapped piece of dime store chocolate that looked like the earth.  I get Games, a TV, Movies, Blow Job cards, Shirts, Watches, Pens, Gifts that don’t count because I needed them she says, gifts that count as birthday and Christmas but I get both anyway.  Our last Christmas, the fourth one, the one after we broke up I showed her my Christmas and we cried but I didn’t cut on my self that year, I made her leave though and boxed all that shit up again.

BFOW excerpt; Boots late...

Boot’s late and your friend, the guy friend, is such a pussy I will not let up.  Who are you gonna fuck I say and he’s all Geesh and I say Geesh guy and he looks like he is gonna cry and he is all, No I’m not, and I’m like Do it pussy, and pull back my fist and your yelling at me and his little cum bubble of a brain is all thinking he’s the guy that’s gonna come out on top cause he’s the good guy and he would never do that and I hate myself in you you little fucking faggot, you’re not me!  I’ll let you watch me fuck your girl I say but he won’t turn around now and she’s all like she doesn’t want to go with us.  Boot just texted me and said Fuck you and I say I am gonna go chill with Boot cause your all a bunch a crybabies and Wendys like Shut up and get in the car and I’m in the car and I say Make me honey and she says Ill make you and I say You better and then the girl friend gets back in and I am not sure why she got out and I say Dereos playin on 2nd street at like one and she’s all I know Zac and I say Yeah, you’re a whore, and she says Shut the fuck up and I say You fuck Zack and she does the fake smiley shock thing that all women do when you set that dunk up for em and I look at her date and I say, If you don’t get fucked tonight, it’s your own fault.

Zoey’s on the corner when we drive by and everyone’s all waving and saying hello like they fucking like her but they don’t she’s just someone they passed that they know, like hysteria or something and I won’t let Wendy turn around for Zoey cause That’s gay Wendy, you’re a real piece of ass and you don’t turn around for anyone that’s why and she’s all That’s mean and I just keep setting these two bitches up for the dunk and by the time we get to downtown they won’t look at all the guys they want to fuck and I am thinkin, now these two are really my bitches.

I keep talking about Janny’s ass.  Janny’s the girl that’s gonna walk away from the faggot in the back seat as soon as the fucking car door opens.  I tell her I can feel her ass through the seat.  She’s all Whatever and I am all Whatever rock that thing Ill fuck you right now and she’s all You’re a pig and I know she loves her ass cause it is important to know these things and she knows it and I knew it when I saw her walkin up, havn’t even seen it in my face and I know it.  I’m just fuckin with her baby she’s a cow, come on.  And Wendy is all You better be good and I am all Boring!

I don’t give a fuck what you want to drink.  Shut up.  Oh god he is gonna start shit again and the girls just get fucking wet when we fight.  Hey fuck face!  And he’s all what like a gangster and he’s all stepping up to me and that’s some bullshit cause I’m drunk now and I now it will end well and I don’t even answer I’m just on him and fuck swingin I put him right into a bunch of other people and there is so much fuckin yelling its great and I am all fuckin laughin and I got this fuckin guy by the jacket and he aint goin anywhere and there are fuckin chicks screamin and shits getting hard and I put a couple hits on his fuckin guts and then it’s like all chaos and the girls are the most important they will ever be with some drunk asshole like me and they take me out and I am all fucking pushed out of the bar by like all these people and they are like all that guys friends and their all like be cool and fuck that come here you fucking faggot and Wendy is all pulling me and so is the other girl and what’s her fucking name? and I’m in the back seat and I hit that fucking kid that’s with us and Wendy pulls him up front and Janny’s back there and I am all like sorry baby and she’s like Those fucking assholes and I am like who hit you and she’s like no one and I am like who the fuck touched you and I start to climb out of the car and everyone’s all screaming and pulling on me and I am like turn around ill fucking kill’em, I swear to fucking god Wendy turn around!

I don’t want to sober up but I do.  The fucking harbor house sucks and I stop at a table where there’s a hot girl and I am like Sup baby doll and some assholes all tough and he’s not and I’m like here’s my phone honey, put your number in it, and she’s all like I do what ever I want to him but I’m already being pulled away by the girls and over to the table and I kiss Wendy and she’s so fucking hot and like people want to leave but they don’t and there here for me and no bullshit they are and when I am telling her I love her the other girl brings the phone back and is all Here’s his phone and Wendy’s like thanks and sorry and she’s all its ok hell pay for it in the morning and they all laugh and I know she put her number in it and I am all like I don’t know she’s there and Wendy’s like Sit up and I am like Fuck this place all this shit is fattening and it is and like Wendy’s all I’m tired of driving and I’m lookin at this fuckin douche bag who thinks he is gonna stare me down for being a dick and I am like What sup and he’s all ignoring me now and Wendy’s like Don’t start any bullshit I swear to god! And Janny’s all We better go and I ignore them cuz they are beautiful and they are doing exactly what I want them to and I am like Sup you wanna tell me something guy? And Wendys like Fuck this and the girls pull me outa there and I am like Whatever pussy and I leave and he says something and I ignore it and I just made everyone’s day.

What the fuck is your name again and he is all terrified now and I am in back with Janny and I have her legs on mine and my hand on her leg by her pussy and she keeps moving it down her leg but just a few inches and I am all like I don’t know and I know she’s wet and I am like Are you gonna break my heart baby and she’s like Whatever and she’s all close to me and Wendy is like oh god, just hit him.  And she laughs and that faggots all up front and cryin and not really but he is and he’s all scared of me and I swat his head and am like What’s up puppy and Wendy’s like knock it the fuck off and tells him to lean forward and I’m like yeah lean forward bitch and then I am all mackin on Janny and she fucking wants it so bad she is starting to make me hard and Wendy pretends she doesn’t know or doesn’t care she probably doesn’t either of them and she won’t let me touch her tits but her stomach is tight and flat and that’s cool and like my hands on her stomach but my pinky is like deep in her pants and she’s just giving me her neck and I put her hand on my cock and she kind of pulls it away but doesn’t and Wendy’s like where the fuck are we going and I stop it with Janny like she was never in the car to begin with and I am like Where’s my fucking phone!  Where’s Boot? and Wendy’s asking the faggot if he wants her to drop him off and he’s all like Probably and I put my hand behind Jan’s back under her shirt and pants like its nothing and I am like Where’s my fucking phone up to Wendy and she’s like Chill out I got it and I am all give it and she’s like What do you want your just gonna break it and I’m like Give me my fucking phone and she calls Boot on hers and he’s fucked her too so their all like tight and stuff like she is with me and I turn back to Janny and she’s been looking at me and I kiss her good and deep but just once and I am like baby, I wanna fuck Janny and Wendy’s like whatever and I kiss her again and I whisper in her ear whatever.

BFOW excerpt; June sucks...

June sucks.  Her friends in town, Libby, what a fucking name.  I call her scooter and swat her ass just for the insanity of it.  Holy Shit she says and they both just look at me and then go back to whatever the fuck they were talking about as we try and find our way back to the car leaving LAX.  I drive her car everywhere.  Dads rich I guess which means she is but I have never seen a dime of it.  I act like they are both my bitches.  Women love that.  Fuckin women.  Don’t get me wrong, Libby isn’t a bimbo.  I can tell she wants to show me her tits and will try to during the next two weeks that she is in town staying at our place.  Her tits are bigger than Annes and they talk about it in the first five minutes that they see each other, oh yeah and she calls her Annie.  This bugs me.

On the ride home we play something Libby just has to show her and it is some British pop rap dance girl thing and its good and that sucks.  Anne’s weird and I don’t say anything cause I am not like that even though she always remarks when I am weird like it’s a fucking crime only I have ever been guilty of and it says something irrevocable about me and I know our relationship is ending already.  Babe, what’s that place with the Indian food she asks me?  Fuckin babe?  She never lets me call her babe.  Come on you know the one on Warner?

Oh yeah it’s called Indian Food.  She hits me.  I love it.  I think about faking Hindi and being fucking relentless with it but Libby wouldn’t react and it would make me angry and so I don’t.  Babe I say.  She looks at me.  Babe can we swing by the house I’m fuckin horny.  Oh my god says you know who.  Anne smiles and hits me again and says babe but like in shock and I smile and she says god to Libby and Libby makes a face for who the fuck I have no idea and I laugh at her loud and angrily and she feels it.  I back off then, that was it, my assertion I am done babe, I’ll play now.

Oh my god this place sucks.  But she is talking about Orange County in general I guess and I agree.  I ignore her tits like a medusa around Anne.  I do see her ass under her T-shirt and that is not good cuz I fuck her in my mind that night when I fuck Anne.  I feel bad.  She is feeling good cause her friends here but her friend is a home wrecking slut and wears too much make up and I feel like shit for imagining her but I can’t help it.  The next night I am a little rough with Anne when we fuck and something comes out in me and we stop and neither of us cum and we lay there and we are both too smart to talk about it and it makes me want her more, not Libby but Anne.  She is so right for me.

The next morning Libby shows me her pussy in the kitchen while Anne is brushing her teeth.  She waits till I come out then bends over like she is looking for cereal under the sink.  My dick is hard instantly.  I look at it, I want to just walk over and slide my dick right into her.  She waits there.  I feel dizzy, so fucking horny I could scream and I go back into the room and when she hears me turn to go she says Oh really surprised like and jumps and covers herself front and back with a hand and says something but I am already in the bedroom and opening the bathroom door and Anne is brushing her teeth and I grab her pussy and she says don’t and I say please honey please I am so fucking horny babe please and she says nock it off, and I push my dick at her and she says stop it and I sit on the toilet and I swear to god I cry and she comes over and asks what’s wrong and I plead with her I tell her I feel like I will die if I don’t cum I swear to god and she kisses me and grabs me and then I fuck her standing at the sink and cum in her again.  I know I shouldn’t but it is the only way I can.  I thank her and I mean it and I put out of my mind that I was imagining fucking Libby at the sink and feeling those big soft heavy tits cause it would kill her and I sit in the bathroom and cry and they head out to shop and I feel Libby feeling all superior to Anne and I want to punch her in the face.

That night when we eat Libby is looking at me like we are fucking and I am bitter then Anne touches me under the table, it’s our thing we do, what we all do but I think its Libby and I jump and crack my knee on the table and Anne says fuck and I get up and leave and she follows.

I don’t go to the beach with them.  I don’t go to Bullwinkles with them.  I don’t go to rock ‘n bow with them, instead I stay at home and put Libby’s underwear all over my face and jack off in the guest bed, Libby’s bed and my balls get huge and sore and one day I cum six times and I have this boner at dinner that night and it just fucking hurts and I am hunched at the table and Anne thinks I’m sick.

I have to take her to the airport.  I say no.  I tell her to call her fucking mom.  Why are you being such an asshole?  I want to say she is trapping me.  I am gonna fuck her if I take her to the airport but this is so much beyond anything she could imagine I have a nervous breakdown for like ten minutes and then I say I love you.  I am sorry.  I will take her.

My flights delayed she says but it wasn’t, she lied about the time, we were three hours early.  I have to get clean, all this smog makes me sticky.  She gets a room at some wannabe four star across from the airport and says she is gonna run up to shower.  I tell her I will wait here and she turns and smiles at me and says ok and I follow her.  Her tits or so fucking incredible I am slack jawed.  She doesn’t want anything but Ann’s man and I get inside that sweet tight pussy and I fuck her till the cows come home and I cum inside her cause I know she won’t get pregnant, that is not what she wants.  She got what she wanted.  We don’t say anything.  I don’t even walk her to her flight I just leave.  At home I think Anne smells her on me and she must but her pause is momentary and lost in some preoccupation or so she lets me believe.  Thank you.

The Gospel According to me.

                 He knew I was from the future immediately.  I walked up, and seriously, there was no way to tell who he was, no way.  All these fuckers, I mean ALL of them look alike.  I was searching for that ‘savior’ something I thought he would have.  All of ‘em, the crowd I guess you could say, they knew there was something wrong with me, then all of a sudden he is like, sup.  He says it, he says, “sup” and ups his chin at me like hey. 

                The other guys are nice enough.  I never learn nearabic, that’s what I call it, real clever I know.  Honestly, something tells me they don’t even speak it, I mean, their fucking dirty right, I mean way worse than you are thinking.  Everything is so dirty.  Everyone smells like shit and sweat, everyone.  I don’t think they have ever seen clear water, their water, all of its brown. 

                “Watch out!” I say to john, but that’s not his name, its hacken hacken dirg aban, you know, none of them are named mark or Luke, it’s like my own joke, I am surrounded by Osama bin laden clones and their all supposed to be Jesus and his crew, what a fuckin farse.  I laugh to my self, Christ gets it, we are all sitting there, ”John” just looks at the snake and is like, what?  “What” I say to him back with that double question mark that I do not know how to write.  He says something that sounds like ‘suim salla’ and gestures with a palm up hand, I get it, it’s like he’s sayin,’ what, the snake?’  There are snakes everywhere.  Let me say that again and put it in context, just spell it out real good for ya.  Everyone smells like their own shit, I will be dead from disease soon, all kinds, and there are snakes everywhere.  People sleep in the dirt as the bed has not been invented yet, oh yeah, and you can’t put a fucking foot down in the Promised Land without scaring a snake. 

                “dirka dirka Mohamed jihad, Luke, Dirka dirka” I say.  Good Christ laughs at me.  All everyone else hears is Mohammed and War, which makes it funny for so many reasons. 

                I keep looking for all the mythical shit that happened in the Bible.  It’s hard to spot it not speaking the language.  I never get used to all the touching and pushing and shit, how close everyone is, how small the ideas are, how premature even the most banal possibilities seem.  It hurts me how little has changed for so many people in the “arab” world.  I know I am here some 2000 plus years ago but, if I turned the corner and saw a CNN war correspondent I would ask them for a ride back to the Hotel.

                They half cook fish and sometimes do not cook it at all; they just let it rot dry, if that is a thing to do to fish.  Phillip, the big one at 4’ 11” and 111 lbs. (I’m guessing the weight) loves to give me what they are calling bread.  Let me tell you that it is not.  My third piece, which must mean I am lucky for making it so far, had a rock in it that busted off my crown and hurt like fuck.  A rock not a kernel or grain or multi grain of sand but a rock, nay, a pebble.  I mean, it’s just, well fuck it’s like, well everything is colored by careful chewing and tooth pain now, I mean, fucking vacation spoiler for sure, I mean, shit, the whole rest of the time, the whole rest of my time there spent with my tongue getting raw, flickin the ground trunk of my molar sans artificial silver and porcelain helmet, I mean, I just can’t keep my tongue off it.  Fuck!

                It’s a complaint really, my gospel.  Good Christ, that’s what I have been calling him and fuck help me if I am the one that started all the bullshit by doin it, but I feel pretty sure he is Good Christ now, having met him and hung out pretty much all the time for like 3 years, Good Christ is also a good guy and most probably a time traveler from the late nineties with a degree from UCI in middle eastern languages.  Nah, who am I kiddin, he is down right the son ‘o god.  But that’s not my complaint.  My complaint is, the past really sucks and should stay there.  Bring soap and plenty of water and food, spices if you don’t want to bring food, and a fucking car, probably a Jeep.  Ice, I miss ice a lot.  Don’t eat cheese, not for another 2000 years or so or you’ll puke your shit out, its fucking disgusting.  Everyone’s filthy, did I say that enough? 

                I tried to hatch some plots but, again, the language barrier made that dull and the effect unobservable.  We didn’t talk a lot, it was more like we were on vacation together, you know, good friends, guy friends, foreigners amongst foreigners, always the grinning secret of the end of faith, me the guy in the crowd at the big party of important people where the BMOC singles you out in that awesome way as being the one closest, the one that gets the hug when the rest get the handshake, but really, we just sat around and they bullshitted all day and ladies fed us and shit and we never work a fucking day, unreal when you think about it.  We’d talk but I didn’t want to cramp his style, he was doin his thing right, I was a walk in, kind a like petitioning a class, you know. 

                At 6’2” I was a godling to them.  I was invisible and yet they all knew of me.  I covered my face a lot.  The romans guys, which were really just arabs out of uniform, I mean really, they were not fuckin Italians, and that is some bullshit too, they loved me, always makin fun of how I talked and shit, always trying to copy me, always laughing, more than Good Christ, always smiling and shit, they really reminded me of Mexicans that way.

                I’m not tellin ya how it ended, what was true, what was bullshit, fuck you.  I will tell you to follow your heart, be good, laugh, try and make a new friend every day, don’t work so fucking hard, don’t take advantage of people who resent it, listen to each other right?  Be a good friend to your friends.  Oh yeah, and don’t spend so much time reading, I never saw Good Christ open a single scroll and I have news for you, not one of ‘em could read and only that weirdo Mathew, or as everyone else called him, “dira dirka dirka” could write and I don’t think he did that very well either.