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“What, by going back and rolling the dice again? You said your consciousness wouldn’t go back. That’s like dying, what’s the point if you have to die?” I try the doorknob again. It’s unlocked but the door won’t budge.

“It won’t be the same.”

“I know it won’t be the same, but will it be better, you think next time you’ll even make it, that you’ll be an uncle? Open this fucking door!” I have to pound my fist on it, its uncontrollable, its instinct. I tell Adrian that it’s nothing and to go to bed but Anne is in the hallway now too and not getting my back on getting Adrian to bed. He asks what’s wrong with uncle mike. I tell him nothing. “When did he get a fucking deadbolt on this door? Did you know about it?” Anne says no without saying anything out loud. I try not to whisper in my own home.

“Ok, so it’s so bad that you are gonna risk what? Risk everything I worked for, make me earn it all again, risk your nephews good health? And what if you got it wrong, what if you drew it wrong and it doesn’t work right, you suck at drawing. Are you still in there?” I motion for Anne to look and see if he has gone out the window but she won’t leave. Julia has not cried once. Everyone’s right here at the door. Is this what he’s going back to find.

“And what’s gonna happen to us? Are we going to blink out? How far back are you going? You know we had Julia after you moved in! Is that gonna happen if you succeed yourself out of this bedroom? That’s your niece.” I can hear him move something inside. The bed creaks. My bed doesn’t creak. It hits me so hard. My brother is sleeping on a squeaky bed. A bed that is not good enough for me. A bed I wouldn’t sleep on. Anne and I have a great big bed. We dug blankets out we had put away after we bought our second set of new bedding. We still have the first set in one of the trunks upstairs. We put the apartment sheets and her old blanket from her mom’s house in his room when we made it up. I think about the mini fridge I bought for thirty dollars and the microwave we kept in the garage by the freezer, I think about what it felt like, what he might have taken it to mean. Stay in here. Don’t use the kitchen. Anne gave him some of my old cloths.

“Sometimes man, you have to go back to an early save. I hate it more than you. But you do it, you don’t start over.”

“I start over.”

Outside the moon growls at all of the pale and the tan faces, looking out or looking like it. You can’t see outside like that when it’s dark and you have a light on inside. Everyone knows, all you can see is yourself.

I think it has calmed down a bit. I slide down against the door like in the movies. I imagine him on the other side like I am, a similar gesture of defiance and love. “How far back are you going?”

“All the way Justin.”

“Can you take me?” I ask him. I can hear him crying. I see him sit with a pillow over his belly. I remember our Christmas. I thought the whole time, like he was a kid, another kid I was taking care of. It was no big deal, I made good money. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t like we had a five bedroom or anything I mean for fucks sake I was renting and had two kids, but no one was eating macs and cheese. I remember that look, how I couldn’t place it. How some of our friends could say nothing but make that subtle expression that meant so much, like he was weird. I know what the face meant now. I know the shame he carried. I should know, I gave it to him.

You think you will do so many things when the time comes but you don’t. Mostly you acquiesce. I could have kicked the door open right? I mean I connected the dots, what else did I do? I think about it the next day. I am looking at a paper, accidently. There is a crossword puzzle. It’s a picture in my mind. Some one has answered the questions and come up with the right words and has written the words in with one of those cheap bic pens. 4 across, I. 17 across, am. 3 down, going. 7 down, to. 11 down, kill. 13 down, myself. Yeah, the puzzle has been done in this paper alright, I say, folding it up and putting my cup in the sink, driving to work, working.

I do not throw away the jeans I was wearing. I take it as a sign. I have to hide it from Anne. Twice I take them from the trash. I come home and I just know. I go to the trash and there they are. I lock them in a chest. It was a smile, it made a smile on my ass where it came under the door. I know you did the right thing. I know your there again, in the yard, running, laughing. I know I will not fuck up with you again. I just wish it could have happened in my universe.